I don’t like May 8.
May 8, 2014, is the last day I held my daughter. 

She died that morning. Ever since I’ve dreaded May 8.
Too much anticipation, too much remembering the events of that particular day.

And, in Colorado where I live the weather on May 8th is unpredictable which ads to my dread. The tulips are in bloom, the trees in full blossom but quite often it snows. That’s the case this year, it’s wet and grey with snow in the forecast.

In anticipation of May 8 this year, I vow to try something new, something that is, instead of dread.

This May 8th, five years later, I will focus on life!
The life my girl lived before May 8, 2014.
Her life though not easy and cut far too short, was happy.
She lived every day of her almost 23 years, in an honest and kind way.
She loved and was loved, oh so well.

This May 8, I’m going to remember:

The touch of her hand; so big and squishy and warm.

The sound of her laugh, deep and silly.

The heavy-footed way she’d sleepily walk into our room and crawl into bed with us for early morning snuggles, no matter how old she was.

The way she hung on every word her brother said.

The way she counted on her sister.

What happened this day in 2014, is a part of my story and a part of hers. But there’s more to us than that day and that story; a whole lot more. That’s where I chose to place my heart.

Post Script- I came up with my plan of conquering May 8th’s dread, around May 5 this year. Today is May 8. The reality is: I woke up early this morning with the same dread and anticipation I thought I’d talked myself out of. As I sit at my kitchen counter and watch the rain turn to snow I know my plan has failed. It’s obvious to me now that the remembering of this day is inevitable, the remembering is important and the sad is okay. I don’t dwell on or remember the sad every day, this I know to be true. So today and perhaps every May 8, I move to plan B; the plan where I don’t plan so much and give myself the grace to just sit in the sad.

Do you have ways to get through the dread? I’d love to hear; please share!